At My Age

Every year on my birthday, I have this tradition. I make it a point to do a cartwheel. This goes way back. I was an acrobat as a child so I have been doing cartwheels for as long as I can remember. When I hit my 30’s, it became a sort of challenge to make sure that I can still do my old tricks. That I still “had it in me”, if you will.

However, as I get older, the criteria for what satisfies “still having it in me” keeps changing along with each decade.  Now that I am in my 40’s, all I care about is if I can still do my cartwheel.  Mind you, I am not talking about your run of the mill boring cartwheel here.  No, my standards are still somewhat high.  I insist that this cartwheel is done well.  In a straight line. With toes pointed. As if I were doing it on a balance beam. 

In a straight line. With toes pointed. As if I were on a beam.

So last month, I had my 43rd birthday. I began warming up for my cartwheel performance weeks in advance. Come the big day, I whipped out a beautiful cartwheel! 

In a straight line. With toes pointed. As if I were on a beam.

Yep, still got it.

Really, it was truly a wonderful acrobatic display. Not bad for a 43 year old bod, if I say so myself.  Needless to say, I’ve been limping strutting around feeling pretty damn good about myself ever since.  Until the other night that is, when I watched Mamma Mia with Meryl Streep.

Now, I already knew the woman could act. She’s the best out there, in my opinion. And, I even knew she could sing too. But what I did not know was that she could accomplish acrobatic feats. AT HER AGE!

There I was just sitting there, minding my own business and watching the movie when all of a sudden she starts dancing and jumping around to Dancing Queen like some flippin tweenager.  I turned to my husband and was all, “No way did Meryl Streep just do a split in mid air like some fucking Dorothy Hamill without skates! That has got to be a body double.  Please tell me that was a body double!”

I was in shock and just couldn’t get it out of my head.

So after the movie, there I was getting ready for bed… and then got into the bed… and then well, do I really need to tell you what happened next?

I had to do it.  The bed was there, after all.  And c’mon, if Meryl can do it, so can I.  She’s like what? 20 years older than me at least! So I went for it.

I did a few practice jumps to prepare.

JUMP.

JUMP.

JUMP!

LEAP! 

SPLIT!

SPLAT!

Flat on my ass. 

I landed flat. on. my. ass. 

ME! The ex acrobat! Flat on my ass. Well, by then I was pissed. Really pissed.

Who the fuck does that bitch think she is? Doing splits in mid air! AT HER AGE!

I mean, really. She shouldn’t be going around fucking with people’s heads like that. She’s like what? 30 years older than me at least! And, correct me if I’m wrong here, but wasn’t it like ages ago she played a middle aged, frumpy school teacher showing poor kids how to play a violin for chrissake?  And, hold on.  Wasn’t it just like yesterday she was some dowdy old hag nun who could barely balance herself on a chair long enough to change a stupid light bulb?  Am I missing something here? She was done. Over. Past her prime.  And now all of a sudden she’s doing this hippy-go-lucky-leaping-split shit?

I’m at least 40 years younger than her and I can’t do a split in mid air! Yeah, sure I can still do my cartwheel in a straight line but some big deal that is when this bitch who’s as old as my grandmother is doing splits in mid air.

So now I am on a mission, people.  I have a year.  One year.

Fuck Meryl Streep.

If she can do a split in mid air AT HER AGE, then you bet your sweet ass Momish can do a split in mid air AT MY AGE. And I’m not talking about your boring run of the mill Meryl-Streep-Mamma-Mia-Leap split either.  I’m talking about a Momish-In-A-Straight-Line-With-My-Goddamn-Fucking-Toes-Pointed-As-If-I-Were-On-A-Beam split! That’s what I’m fucking talking about.

One year. Bring it on, bitch. 

Because honestly, AT YOUR AGE? I’m still wondering if that wasn’t a body double after all. 

All I can say is, “I have doubts. I have such doubts.”

Comments

[mama p]

... methinks you ought to revise that a little (be more specific, if you will. ahem.):
in one year,
do a split in mid-air
(*after* the perfect cartwheel, o'course),
IN GREECE
BY A GORGEOUS BEACH
...with friends in attendance...?

;)
happy birthday, momish.