Torn

In trying to clean my blog up and see where I want to go with it, I have been reading my old posts and comments.  Let me tell you, this is a very interesting exercise. One that reeks of the human condition. Something I myself suffer from daily.

It’s strange in many ways to read how you felt at any given time, especially when you are in a completely different mind frame than you were back then. Life is so fickle, people are so fickle, emotions are so fleeting.  And these posts represent probably 10% of what was going through my mind at any given time which lead me to say exactly that, exactly right then.

I always have this fear and hesitation before I push that innocent “Publish” button.  How will this be read, how will that line be taken, how will other people feel about what I just said or felt or did?  It’s not easy to just be yourself when you are fighting off the instinct to sensor yourself.

In the beginning, it is so obvious I didn’t care, because the only people reading this blog were people I knew and who knew me.  It was like writing a letter to dear friends, knowing they will understand my frame of mind, my intentions, my meaning and even my typos.  But the internet is vast and eventually anything put on the internet can be interpreted in many different ways, as many ways as the many different people pushing that mouse around and clicking at will.

As humans, we are programmed for survival, and yet we are also programmed as social creatures.  Every aspect of our lives is meaningful and relevant, and yet we struggle to put it all into the context of our society.  This battle between these two instincts is a human condition.

It’s hard, keeping this balance. Knowing it absolutely matters that the risotto I ate at that restaurant was terrible and it sucked because my whole meal was ruined.  And yet trying to balance that with the fact that there are starving children who would kill to have shitty risotto.  Feeling like the world is so unfair because I had to work all day with a terrible cold and yet knowing other folks are fighting for their lives with incurable diseases. Fretting over how I will manage because my pay was cut by 10% and balancing that with knowing it is way better than a 100% pay cut due to losing your job like so many others.

Keeping the balance is hard.  Writing about it is even harder. Because those words are frozen there forever, even if two weeks later I no longer feel that way because the intenseness of those feelings have abated.  But I try to write with the best intentions of honestly portraying my feelings and thoughts without trying to sound preachy, pompous, petty, belittling, unjust, insensitive, and all the other things I worry someone might mistake me for.  It’s not easy being limited by words crammed into a brief post frozen in one moment of time, built upon a lifetime of experiences that one post could never reveal.

Looking back over my old posts there were times I was totally embarassed by the things I wrote, other times proud of myself and other times just plain bored.  My life isn’t that interesting in the grand scheme of things.  What happens to me on a daily basis is really not worthy of repeating and documenting for the ages.  I am not saving lives here, just trying to live one.  And it’s just one random, insignificant life at that, yet it is also the life that has all the relevance and meaning of the world to me.

There were, and are, times it has some relevance and meaning to someone else, those are the good times right?  I am sure some of what I write makes more than a few eyes roll.  But I also know that some of my posts tear other eyes up, simply because it feels good to know someone out there in this vast world understands and gets you.

But this is the human condition. Writing about ourselves because we are programmed to care most about our own survival, and yet doing so in hopes of connecting to others because we are programmed to be social creatures.  A condition I surely suffer from.

I am not sure if I want to keep on blogging.  What’s the point, really?  To look silly, stupid, pompous, petty, insensitive, blah blah blah because I write about my life and my feelings which really, who cares?  And then again, there are other times I can’t imagine not keeping up this blog because where else would I go to see if there is anyone out there that understands? Anyone out there who cares?

I’m torn.

Comments

[humorworks]

keep on blogging momish
xoxo