Philly Parenting Takes A Hit
Monday, September 10, 2007 at 01:30PM I consider myself an old fashion type of parent when I take into consideration the grand scheme of parenting in today’s world. This is because I parent in much the same way that my mother parented me. For example, I tell my daughter things like, “because I said so” and “not now, mommy’s busy”. I see other moms cringe at these words that fly out of my mouth. And frankly, I just don’t care. My mother said them to me constantly and I never found myself ever doubting whether I was loved or mattered. But I also never thought for a minute the world revolved around me. I am thankful for that because it is the truth, real life. The world does not revolve around me just as it doesn’t revolve around my daughter.
Our household doesn’t revolve around my daughter either. As she gets older, I treat her accordingly. For example, lately I have started delaying her gratification. I tell her she can have more juice the next time I get up and go into the kitchen. I know she is only two, but being two means that your needs aren’t always met immediately anymore. She can wait. And it’s not because I want to teach her a lesson on how to wait. It is simply because I am tired and don’t want to get up at that instant. That is life, real life.
The same goes for my step daughter. She recently moved in with us and this is now her home. For the past week, she kept asking my husband for a ride to the bank. I advised my husband not to take her. She has to learn how to get herself to the bank. She has to learn how to manage her time and get her tasks done on her own. Besides, I see no reason why we should be running her errands on our free time.
Old fashion stuff. Tried and true stuff. The real stuff.
Why I am telling you all this? Well, because I just read this article in this month’s Philadelphia Magazine that was more or less on par with my thinking and my philosophy when it comes to raising my daughter and still managing to take care of my own life and my own needs. The article suggests that the latest and greatest style of parenting is actually hurting our kids in the end. This trend to over indulge our children and forsake our own interests and needs is building a generation of young adults “with a depressingly skewed sense of values and a shocking sense of entitlement.” Not to mention clueless to how the world really works.
It’s a great article and I am glad to see there are more and more people writing about this detrimental phenomena happening in America today. I am also glad to see that there is research and studies going on that are challenging the more popular views regarding parenting that have sprung up over the last decades. Views that redefine success, both in parenting and in general, which throw the good old fashion values right out the window. Although the article cites examples of parents in Philly and the surrounding suburbs, it could be written about anywhere in the U.S. if you ask me.
I’d be curious to see what you all think of it.
The Kid 
Reader Comments (11)
thank you momish!!! the sea of overindulgent parents who never teach their kids a work ethic, responsiblity, patience, and in some cases manners need a reality check. when the same kids grow to be teenagers, getting their own way at any expense seems to be only a matter of time until the opposition caves. having said that, my heartfelt thanks to parents who believe values must be taught by example. if mom and dad are happy, kids are happy;))
a few weeks ago on an atlantic city beach a mother and her three children were packing up mid-afternoon. one of the kids threw his cup and chip bag on the beach instead of the trash can. the mother's comments were priceless. she calmly said why would you leave your garbage like that...in the city you complain about people that leave garbage in the street...that's what you are doing, are you becoming like the people you complain about... she and the other children waited while the errant child put it in the trash.
i applaud every parent who takes the time to lead by positive example. everyone in the family deserves time for themselves,time to be appreciated,and time to renew one's own energy...in order to have that time everyone has to give as well as take. if that means an 18 year old can walk to the bank or a well-loved 2+ year old has to wait a few minutes for another snack the so be it!
Hey, I talked about this last week already!
I love this! It is so refreshing to see that I am not the only person in the world that thinks we are raising a bunch of over-indulged brats! While I love my children with all my heart, I want them to understand their place in the world. Nothing is more important to me than their safety or well being, but I also want them to understand that I have a life outside of them! I have so many friends who think I am horribly mean...but I see those "the world revolves around me" kids in my class everyday...and they simply have NO grasp of the real world!
I had to enlighten a parent to this when she scheduled a conference with me. She wanted to know why her child had not been chosen to be a dancer in the Christmas program....and felt obliged to tell me that it "absolutely broke her heart". I simply informed her that there were other children who performed the dance better and disappointment is simply a part of life. You would have thought I slapped her in the face!
I am as guilty of spoiling my kids as the next person...but we have to start drawing the line somewhere!
It's funny - when I read this article yesterday, I recognized a lot of overlap between it and my "manifesto" - but I resented the article all the same. I think that what the writer refers to as "bad parents" really has more to do with "bad values" and, in some cases, "bad social policy." Instead of blaming parents for trying to up their kids' SAT's, why not address the underlying problems - too much emphasis on standardized testing and an elitist two-tier system of public and private education?
Umm, what are you supposed to say instead of "busy, in a minute when I'm finished?"
I've been known to say, "because I graduated the school of hard knocks and KNOW and you aren't old enough for that school yet."
Is that...wrong?
;) LOL
I guess I am a traditionalist too, especially when I whip out the Mean Mom voice (which does make me wince).
Learning to lose, learning how not to be a Queen or the center of the universe, is a tough lesson. It's one that we have to teach, because if we don't, our children will learn it in a much harder manner when they grow up.
Good Job, for posting Momish, good job! Clap clap clap...
I recently realize how often I commend my kids for the most mundane acts of civility. I am trying to insert, "thank you" where I formerly said, "Good Job!". I don't want my children to have to receive praise for every small act of compliance. There are some tasks that should be expected of them.
I am struggling to teach the concept of value to my 5 year old. Her father and I are flabbergasted with how much she just expects from us. Respect, I would like to teach my daughters, entitlement - not so much. Bring back the protestant work-ethic of yore! Maybe not, but I like what you said:
She can wait. And it’s not because I want to teach her a lesson on how to wait. It is simply because I am tired and don’t want to get up at that instant. That is life, real life.
It is equally as important for my children to see me as a person with other obligations, not as an indentured servant.
In case you haven't read it yet, I love The Three-Martini Playdate: A Practical Guide to Happy Parenting by Christie Mellor.
thanks. that was a great post and read from philly mag.
I most certainly think there are ways to make children feel loved that do not include indulging their every whim!!
I agree COMPLETELY with what you say.
Good for you for figuring this out early. My oldest is nine and I'm just starting to get a clue. In fact I wrote a post in reference to this. I'm revamping my parenting style and reading that article made me see some mistakes I'm making. Thanks!